User blog comment:The ultimite yandere/Yandere Exchange./@comment-27229742-20151011004802

Here is a version of her story, but with better grammar and such. I suggest that the author take some notes. The story is good, but it could be better. I will also put in some of my comments in the middle of the story in italics.

???: (always have a space between the part after the colon) Ayano (you do realize you called her Ayane in the last part, right? Consistency!), (have space after every comma) you should sign up to have a exchange student live with you! (But why does Amai want this?)

Ayano: I dont know, Amai. (Space after exclamation points, question marks, and periods too, you know) What if the person I get is a perv?

Amai Kyandi: Come on! You (capitalize the first letter of the first word of the sentence) could get my cousin if you sign up for the English (English is capitalized) one like me!

Ayano: Uh...Ok?

(A few weeks later)

Amai: HEY, (put the comma between "HEY" and "LOOK!") LOOK! The train ("train" not "trian") is coming!

 *The train stops, Candy and Aubrey hop off (it's "off" not "of" and those are two different things)*

Amai: CANDY! *hugs Candy*

Candy: Hey cuz! Where is *looks at slip of paper in her hand* Ayano?

Amia: She is the girl in the ponytail.

Aubrey: Are you Amai?

Amai: Yes, you (why did you randomly capitalize "you"?) must be Aubrey.

Aubrey: Correct!

(later at school) (You didn't need the comma in that sentence and it's called "school")

Candy and Aubrey: WHOA! This school is SOOO big! (No one would say that at the same time! That really never happens except for short sentences...)

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Ayano: Yeah, this is the most prestigious (yes, that's how it's spelled) school around!

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Candy: Akademi (Akademi not Akidemi) High seems (a word was randomly capitalized again!) AMAZING!

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Amai: Don't get too excited (excited not exited)! Someone found Kokona's body hanging in the classroom next to a desk covered with mean stuff because she was compensated dating (why would Kokona hang herself in the middle of a classroom? How is that even possible? How would the lights from the ceiling or whatever it is that's holding her take her weight? I'm younger than Kokona and my healthy weight is 100 pounds. So you're telling me that there was something high enough from the ceiling to carry 100 pounds? Wouldn't Kokona just go home to do this?).

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Aubrey: What is compensated dating?

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Ayano: It is when a teenage girl goes on dates with adult men.

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Amai: It brings shame to the girl and her family.

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Candy: Whoa. People are cruel.

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Ayano: It's the law.

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">So, is Aubrey the exchange student? I don't believe you ever explained that. I also don't really know who Amai is. She's a classmate, I presume? Another thing, why is this all in script format? I remember writing like that when I was younger because it was easy. Is that why you're putting it that way?

<p style="font-size:14px;line-height:22px;">Most importantly, can we get some more characterization for these guys? All I know is that Yandere-chan is a yandere, Candy-chan is an immature, naive, somehow book smart brat and the rest are just regular classmates. I think we need more than that.